Love lost.. is not such a big deal.

“It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.”   It means we’re REAL. We’re alive and we FEEL something.

But I also feel like it’s putting in a very romantic sense the idea that love lost really isn’t that big of a deal.. Mainly because if you lost it (death and external circumstances aside) it wasn’t the love you really needed.

Yes. That’s right. We all need a certain kind of love.

Take me and Billy. Romantic, full of emotion, and irrational. That would be Billy. I was cautious, hesitant, and realistic. By the time I was finally able to leave my baggage at the door, he was already leaving.

It was what I needed at the time, and he taught me how to feel things again. But now that I’m right back to the beginning, it really wasn’t what I needed at all.

I saw him over the past few days and I thought it was going to mean a lot more, and I was going to be back to being crazy about him… And so, when nothing happened I was really surprised!

Love lost usually happens when the person you’re with, isn’t really who they are. Funny how you don’t lose much when you realize that there was nothing really there from the beginning to lose. It does facilitate self-awareness and exploration though. Silver linings and all that mumbo jumbo..

 

Tags: feel, feelings, identity, Love, realization, relationships

On God, Love, and Friendships..

I’m finding myself lost and confused most days.  Alone, and introspective to the point that I get stuck inside.

So today I forced myself to go to a Wednesday night service at a local church suggested to me.  I’m glad I did.

It was yet another way to look at God and what he does for us. But instead of looking at it like you’re jumping into the middle of a movie, it starts at the beginning process.  A couple of notes from the sermon…

Bad News: By nature we are spiritually dead, deceived, and denounced. (BY Nature! Meaning it’s what we are predisposed to.)

Good News: But God.. You know how you’ll be talking to someone and tell them something(“your hair looks fantastic today!”)… They respond, but put “yeah, but..” and it immediately discredits what you’ve said(“yeah, but I didn’t really do anything to it”).

That’s exactly how it is with God! You live in a way by nature that deserves wrath, but God..(See! There it is!)

And I like these definitions: Mercy- Withholding what is deserved(in a good way).  Grace- Giving what you don’t deserve(also in a good way)

And here’s the part that got me… Even faith is a gift from God.

What?! Do you mean that its not something for me to work on? To strive for? To attain?!  Well! No wonder I couldn’t find it on my own!

And another brutal truth: If you’re really a Follower, then there’s no way you can’t tell that your life has be Touched. It’ll come naturally once you Really start believing, and fall in love with God.

 

Know what that means? I’m not a Christian, and I haven’t been for a looong time. I’ve been apathetic towards my actions. I don’t care if it’s “right”, but its because of what I believe.  Talk about an awakening.

So… I’ve started thinking about all the consequences and changes I’m sure would take place in my life if I started to really believe.

Love would influence EVERYTHING. I would probably find a lot more peace, and maybe joy too.. I would stop being so self-consumed!

But that’s also scary.. What would I be looking at? Would I be ridiculed? Would I turn into someone I despise? The religious nut that shouts their views on the street corner?

How about my friends? How many of them would stick around? Would I make them feel awkward?

I have this feeling.. that because what I BELIEVE changes, so would how I view things. Including, friendship, and my self-image. But that takes throwing myself off this metaphorical cliff, and am I really ready for that?

Are YOU ready for that?

Tags: Christian, Christianity, Friendship, God, Love, Religion, Self-Image

Wine And Jazz

What is it about wine and jazz that sets a mood?

 

Not quite Wine

Or any music and drink for that matter? What triggers us to feel sexy with a heavy beat, and a raw voice? Another way to look at it is dancing.

Charleston, Charleston, and TURN

One music makes us feel like dancing one way, Ex: 50′s = Swing, hip-hop/R&B = bump/grind, etc.  It’s simply fascinating to observe the effect of music’s expression on our behavior.

I’m participating in a songwriting class this semester. Very interesting! Exploring how and why songs work. Such as metric symmetry and creating “space” in a song for your voice to come through.

I’ll tell you what.. I have a complete new appreciation for Taylor Swift as a songwriter! She’s brilliant! Though.. Arguably, some of the best are the ones who use less for more. Such as “Traffic Jam”  If you haven’t listened to the song. Try it! It’s amazing.

I’m going to start posting little recording of my songs off my phone here. No guarantees they’ll be any good, but input is always appreciated.

 

Have a lovely evening, and keep swinging.

Tags: jazz, mood, music, songwriting, wine

A Daily Adventure

How negative can you be? If you expect yourself to fail then you’re probably right.  Gotta be up! I’m gonna be positive! Every day’s an adventure!

 

So I’ve been reading all of these insightful quotes and sayings, which is dangerous considering how easy it is for me to jump into things; HOWEVER! It helped me realize how far I had truly strayed from my purpose. 

Here.. Let me give you an example of what I’ve been reading…

“Success is blocked by concentrating on it and planning for it…Success is shy-it won’t come out while you’re watching.” – Tennessee Williams

I know right?! It makes me want to get up and do too! So what are your dreams? I’ve lost my purpose. What do I want to be? An astronaut? A pirate on the high seas? Hey, it can happen!

Can you see me as a pirate? 

Yeah.. It’s kind of like that.. :)  Sounds like another day of self-discovery to me.. Or maybe.. if I try EVERYTHING I’ll eventually find something I can’t live without..

Yes. I did also just watch “Yes Man.” Dangerous what kind of power these movies make you believe you have.  I know I want something exciting and challenging! I really love the idea of the movie business or music business. Just how to get involved.. By making myself a part of it! Also some kind of dangerous.

I feel so A.D.D. whenever I post in here because my thoughts are all over! Too much sitting down. I think you’ll realize when I’ve found adventure because it’ll get harder for me to post. But FEAR NOT my fellow adventurer! For wherever I am, So too are you! By the power of the blackberry! :)

Okay. Try again. Thanks for the evening audience. Have a good night! Aaaand As always, I’ll keep you posted. :D

Tags: dreams, random, self-discovery

A new look on loneliness

How would you describe loneliness? Is it the feeling of waking up alone after a nightmare? Or is it simpler than that? Such as, someone ignoring your phone call or not returning a smile.  

 

I think it’s knowing you have “friends” but also realizing that you have to be your own friend. Otherwise, you have to constantly surround yourself with other people to affirm that you’re a good/acceptable/wanted person.

But what about the inverse? You think you’re a good person, but no one else likes you? Which is worse?

 

I’m back at college. Surrounded by partying, and I decided I don’t want to drink. So I’m home on a Saturday night, typing on the computer while the rest of my friends are getting hammered. Is it antisocial? or smart? 

Because there are two sides to every story it’s hard to tell if either side is EVER justified. So you go back and forth, and finally decide that NEITHER side is right. Leaving you feeling grey.  Constant grey.

What makes us feel alive is what we pursue, that which fills this EMPTY feeling. I guess that means my fill is a 3 cheese macaroni and internet babble…

At least for right now. It’s also understood that no matter WHAT we do, we ALWAYS change. Blessing, curse, or grey. We Always change. Comforting and scary. It’s the only truth we can rely on to.. well.. never change. :)  It’s what keeps us going when we’re feeling lonely, and what causes us to appreciate what we have; however fleeting it might be.

 

Tags: feelings, grey, lonliness, pictures, social

Relationships

What defines two people in a relationship? Whatever happened to the concept of courting? What about dating?

I believe it lies in how we’re raised. Those that have been most respectful towards me as a single female are those who have had parents that punish them for a lack of respect, or have seen proper respect demonstrated by one or both of their parents.

I still wish to see more courting. Dating, rather than “hanging out.” Just because we can take care of ourselves doesn’t mean we don’t like being taken care of. Yes, even if we fight. I know, I know, its a contradicition, but believe me when I say we don’t mean it. We want your respect, not your apathy to be taken advantage of.

With everything being “new age” how do you define relationships? Apparently its now acceptable to do just about anything, so where does one draw the line and what should we EXPECT in a healthy relationship? And does anyone have the answers?

Tags: advice, courting, dating, relationships

Spring Walk

I’m taking the challenge, will you? I’m going to walk home at least once a week, listening to music that heals my soul, and see if it doesn’t change my attitude.

It’s amazing what you’ll find.

On my walk home

I saw so many people driving by as I walked, and thought, how long have I been one of those people? How much have I missed?

I think this will also encourage my emotional strength against the “overwhelmers” (school, money, etc.). It’s going to sound strange, but it’s so easy to forget to breathe.  Or like how, as kids, you touch everything as a way of exploring.

Stone Lion

Why do we stop? Do you remember how a flower feels? Or what about stone? Or has the only thing you’ve touched recently been keyboards, silverware, and clothes? Maybe some paper too.  How hard is it to reach out and touch something as you’re walking?

I think we should never stop exploring. You never know what you’ll find.

Down Feather on a branch, looks like a fairy!

Tags: down feather, health, perspective, Stone Lion, walk, yellow flowers